A Fifteen-Minute Play
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Characters
Peter — Intelligent but slightly awkward. Dresses like a nerd.
Betty — Has a dry sense of humor. Dresses a little like Cindy Lauper, circa 1983.
Setting — Restaurant.
Time — Dinner
At rise: Betty sits at a restaurant table, reading a menu. Peter enters. He’s looking for someone. Finally, he spots Betty and approaches her.
PETER
Excuse me, are you Betty?
BETTY
Yes! Peter, right?
PETER
Guilty.
BETTY
Pull up a chair. Take a load off.
(Peter sits)
PETER
It’s nice to meet you. I have to say, you’re even prettier than your profile picture.
BETTY
Oh, aren’t you sweet. You look about the same, maybe a little worse.
PETER
What?
BETTY
What?
(Both pause awkwardly)
PETER
I have to admit, I was a little nervous about meeting you tonight. I’ve never used one of these online dating sites before.
BETTY
Oh, I do it all the time. You meet some real chumps.
PETER
Excuse me?
BETTY
Where’s that waiter? I could use a drink. Are you going to get something from the bar? They make the best mixed drinks.
PETER
No, I’ll just have water. I never touch spirits.
BETTY
You never what?
PETER
Touch spirits. I never touch spirits.
BETTY
Who says that? “Never touch spirits.” It sounds like you’re some kind of recovering supernatural sex addict.
PETER
I just have a low tolerance for alcohol.
BETTY
I’m developing a pretty low tolerance myself.
PETER
What?
BETTY
So what do you do for a living? Your profile didn’t say.
PETER
Because it wasn’t listed as an option. I’m a geospatial analyst.
BETTY
And what does an interracial nihilist do?
PETER
A geospatial analyst assists with research, development, and implementation of geospatial systems…
(Betty yawns loudly)
PETER
I’m sorry, am I boring you?
BETTY
Horribly. I mean, “hardly.” Please go on.
PETER:
As I was saying, as a geospatial analyst, I collect geospatial data for various geospatial studies and geospatial programs.
(Betty cuts him off)
BETTY
Stop saying geospatial!
PETER
Your profile says you’re a tattoo artist. That must be interesting.
BETTY
That’s not the entire story. I’m a tattoo artist, but I work exclusively on pets.
PETER
On pets? You tattoo people’s pets?
BETTY
I get permission!
PETER
Whose permission? The owner’s or the pet’s?
BETTY
Yes.
PETER
Wait, I think I’ve heard of this. Don’t you tattoo serial numbers on the pets, in case they get lost? People can enter in the serial number online and contact the owner.
BETTY
Oh, I used to do that, but it got boring. Now it’s more about how the pets want to express themselves. Tramp stamps on cats, dog bowls with the word “Mom” on them. Today I did a seven-headed dragon on the back of a gerbil. He’s in the yakuza.
PETER
I have no idea if you’re kidding.
BETTY
I know.
PETER
Where is that waiter? I’m rethinking that drink. Can you get a half-virgin Shirley Temple?
BETTY
Yes, but your timing has to be exactly right.
PETER
Do the pets enjoy their tattoos?
BETTY
I’ve never gotten a complaint.
PETER
You know, I have a pet, and he’s been seriously considering a tattoo.
BETTY
A ferret, right?
PETER
That’s right! He’s a ferret. How did you know?
BETTY
Because you look like a ferret.
PETER
Is that a compliment?
BETTY
Does it sound like a compliment? So what kind of tattoo does your ferret want?
PETER
That’s just it, he can’t decide. You know how ferrets are. What would you recommend?
BETTY
Does your ferret have a job where he needs to look professional?
PETER
No, but he’d like to keep his options open.
BETTY
Then no face tattoos. That’s too bad, I was thinking some stars, some puzzle pieces. A tear drop, maybe.
PETER
That would be perfect. He has a few job interviews lined up, but I’ll talk to him. Maybe he’ll change his mind.
BETTY
So where did you grow up? And I use that term loosely.
PETER
Right here in town. There are so many members of my family buried at the local cemetery, we get a group rate.
BETTY
Do you save a lot of money that way?
PETER
Oh, the discount is quite large. People would die for it.
BETTY
Ok, that one was terrible.
PETER
I agree. Every death is a tragedy.
BETTY
The same applies to first dates.
PETER
How about you? Are you originally from here?
BETTY
No, my parents are Amish.
PETER
I kind of figured.
BETTY
Fine, they’re not really Amish. But they were very strict. We didn’t get along at all when I was growing up.
PETER
Wait a minute. If we’re going to start talking about our parents, let me get the waiter. I’m going to need a drink that is fully consummated.
BETTY
I have a confession to make.
PETER
Well, we have reached the traditional full-disclosure stage of the first date.
BETTY
I’m not really a pet tattooist.
PETER
No!
BETTY
It’s true. I am an artist, though. Classically trained. I do a little artwork on the side for a tattoo shop, but that’s it. I haven’t sold any of my paintings in at least a year. So I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to tattoo your ferret.
PETER
It’s for the best. He’s more into piercings, anyway.
BETTY
I should have listened to my parents and never gone to art school.
PETER
Don’t say that! I listened to my parents, and look at me. I really am a geospatial analyst.
BETTY
Who would lie about that?
PETER
My career is so boring, I need three cups of coffee just to read my job description.
BETTY
As a little boy, you didn’t dream of one day analyzing geospatials?
PETER
Of course not. I dreamed of being something adventurous. Romantic. Dare I say, even erotic?
BETTY
And what would that be?
PETER
Lunar cartographer. I wanted to map the surface of the moon.
BETTY
Of course you did.
PETER
I’m serious. I used to lie in bed, stare up at the moon through my window, and think, “As long as there have been poets, as long as there have been love songs, men and women have looked up at this same moon. What did they see there that inspired them? That shining disc spoke to them, awakening need and desire, driving them to passion and madness. If I could but unravel the secrets of that celestial goddess, I could unlock the key to the human heart itself.” Do you know what I mean?
(Betty stares through him, obviously smitten. Peter waves his hand in front of her face.)
PETER
Hello? Betty?
BETTY
You know, you’re pretty romantic for a guy who looks like a ferret.
PETER
Yeah, well, you’re pretty sexy for an Amish chick.
BETTY
How about we start the evening over?
PETER
You mean a do-over?
BETTY
That’s right. A do-over. A second chance to get everything right. Like Evil Dead 2.
PETER
How would that work?
BETTY
We forget everything that’s happened and start over from when you walked up.
PETER
You’ll wipe the slate clean?
BETTY
So clean.
PETER
Can we go back to where we are now if I change my mind?
BETTY
Nope. We shall pass this way but once. You can’t undo a do-over.
PETER
You can’t undo a do-over?
BETTY
It’s unheard of.
PETER
I don’t know. I was doing pretty well at the end there.
BETTY
Yeah. But early on you geospatial overanalyzed.
PETER
I only took that job to impress girls I met on the internet.
BETTY
Make a choice. This isn’t the Monty Hall Problem. Take the do-over.
PETER
All right. I’m gonna do it. Prepare to do-over. All systems check. We are go for launch.
BETTY
You’re not getting a countdown, Apollo 13. Just go.
(Peter stands up and greets her again)
PETER
Excuse me, are you Betty?
BETTY
Yes! Peter, right?
PETER
Guilty.
BETTY
Pull up a chair. Take a load off.
PETER
I have to say, you’re even prettier than your profile picture.
BETTY
Oh, aren’t you sweet. You aren’t entirely repugnant.
PETER
You know, that’s exactly what my prom date said to me right before they dumped the bucket of pig’s blood on her.
BETTY
Sounds like a magical night.
PETER
Oh, you have no idea.
BETTY
Did you dance to “I Want to Know What Love Is?”
PETER
“I Want to Know What Love Is?” By Foreigner? No, thank goodness. Who would want to dance to that crap?
BETTY
“I Want to Know What Love Is” is the most beautiful love song of all time. I had my first kiss while slow dancing to “I Want to Know What Love Is!”
PETER
Look, you misunderstood me. I’m sure I didn’t mean—
BETTY
My father used to sing “I Want to Know What Love Is” to me as a lullaby when I was a little girl!
PETER
Okay, that’s a little weird.
BETTY
My parents’ first dance at their wedding reception was—
PETER
Let me guess, “I Want to Know What Love Is.”
BETTY
No, it was “Feels Like the First Time.”
PETER
What a beautiful memory.
BETTY
But she walked down the aisle to “I Want to Know What Love Is,” and she was a beautiful bride. Are you saying my mother wasn’t a beautiful bride?
PETER
Where is that waiter?
BETTY
He’s dead. What is wrong with you! Who doesn’t like “I Want to Know What Love Is?”
PETER
If you had asked me ten minutes ago, I would have said everyone. Seriously, if that waiter doesn’t show up soon, we’ll have to start paying rent.
BETTY
At least we’ll have squatter’s rights.
PETER
Maybe we could get their attention if I started a fire.
BETTY
I dunno. You’re not exactly heating things up.
PETER
I thought you said I’d do better this time around.
BETTY
That was before you defiled the name of Foreigner, the greatest arena rock supergroup of all time.
PETER
I’m pretty sure that would be Cream.
BETTY
They’re a blues rock supergroup. I said the best arena rock supergroup.
PETER
That would be Journey.
BETTY
I need you to hold very still. Because I am going to use my salad fork to stab you in the throat.
PETER
What’s wrong with Journey? I lost my virginity to their Greatest Hits.
BETTY
Never mind. Move around all you want. I’ll never get that mental image out of my head, so I’ll just slit my wrists with this butter knife.
PETER
What’s wrong with Journey’s Greatest Hits?
BETTY
It’s a compilation album. The songs lose the context of the albums they were made for. Compilation albums are the ultimate sell-out. They’re for people who missed the party. It’s like taking one chapter each from a dozen great books, jamming them all together, and saying you wrote a masterpiece.
PETER
Should it worry me that you’ve given this so much thought?
BETTY
It worries me that you haven’t.
PETER
What about movie soundtracks?
BETTY
Soundtracks are okay.
PETER
I’ve really made a mess of the do-over, haven’t I? I just had the worst second term since Nixon.
BETTY
The worst second season since Heroes.
PETER
The worst follow-up album since Meat Loaf’s Dead Ringer.
BETTY
Careful, you’re dating yourself.
PETER
Trust me, that’s easier than dating you.
BETTY
I’ve been called a lot of things, but I’ve never been called easy.
PETER
I want one more do-over.
BETTY
Another do-over? You’re lucky you got one. And you don’t even know if I was serious about my love for Foreigner.
PETER
I think I can get it right this time. Give me the do-do-over.
BETTY
We are not calling it that. But I’ll allow a double do-over. If you really think it will work.
PETER
I don’t see any other way out. The double do-over is my only hope.
BETTY
Fine, one more. But no triple do-overs. It sounds too much like a kinky sex act. This is only our second date, and I’m not that kind of girl.
PETER
I don’t think there’s a category for the kind of girl you are.
BETTY
This is it. Double or nothing. You reach the top of this mountain, or they’ll be dragging your frozen corpse back to base camp.
PETER
Stop it. You’re psyching me out.
BETTY
Admit it. You’re having a good time.
RALPH
You’re right. It might be up there with Journey’s Greatest Hits.
BETTY
You’d better trigger the double do-over before I reach for the silverware.
(Peter stands up and greets her again)
PETER
<exaggerated> Excuse me, are you Betty?
BETTY
<exaggerated> Yes! Peter, right?
PETER
<exaggerated> Guilty.
BETTY
Pull up a chair. Take a load off.
PETER
I have to say, you’re even prettier than your profile picture. And that’s saying something, because your profile picture is the most beautiful thing since Foreigner’s 1984 soft rock classic, “I Want to Know What Love Is.”
BETTY
I bet you say that to all the girls.
PETER
No, I can pretty much guarantee you’re the first.
BETTY
So do you eat here often?
PETER
It’s starting to feel that way. By this point, I’m pretty sure this is my regular table.
BETTY
I have to hand it to you, my dates don’t usually last this long. You’ve done a good job keeping up.
PETER
I’m pretty quick. My ferret gets out of his cage a lot, and I have to chase him down. Keeps me on my toes.
BETTY
You know, there is a perk to the double do-over.
PETER
Really? A perk to the double do-over? What’s that?
BETTY
This is technically our third date.
PETER
Third date. You mean…?
BETTY
Yes.
PETER
So you and me…?
BETTY
Oh, very much, yes.
PETER
And then we can…?
BETTY
You bet’cha.
PETER
Any chance for the triple do-over?
BETTY
Let’s see where the night takes us.
PETER
Check, please!
