The Triple Do-Over

A Fifteen-Minute Play

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Ryan McSwain, ©2016

Characters

Peter — Intelligent but slightly awkward. Dresses like a nerd.

Betty — Has a dry sense of humor. Dresses a little like Cindy Lauper, circa 1983.

Setting — Restaurant.

Time — Dinner


At rise: Betty sits at a restaurant table, reading a menu. Peter enters. He’s looking for someone. Finally, he spots Betty and approaches her.

PETER

Excuse me, are you Betty?

BETTY

Yes! Peter, right?

PETER

Guilty.

BETTY

Pull up a chair. Take a load off.

(Peter sits)

PETER

It’s nice to meet you. I have to say, you’re even prettier than your profile picture.

BETTY

Oh, aren’t you sweet. You look about the same, maybe a little worse.

PETER

What?

BETTY

What?

(Both pause awkwardly)

PETER

I have to admit, I was a little nervous about meeting you tonight. I’ve never used one of these online dating sites before.

BETTY

Oh, I do it all the time. You meet some real chumps.

PETER

Excuse me?

BETTY

Where’s that waiter? I could use a drink. Are you going to get something from the bar? They make the best mixed drinks.

PETER

No, I’ll just have water. I never touch spirits.

BETTY

You never what?

PETER

Touch spirits. I never touch spirits.

BETTY

Who says that? “Never touch spirits.” It sounds like you’re some kind of recovering supernatural sex addict.

PETER

I just have a low tolerance for alcohol.

BETTY

I’m developing a pretty low tolerance myself.

PETER

What?

BETTY

So what do you do for a living? Your profile didn’t say.

PETER

Because it wasn’t listed as an option. I’m a geospatial analyst.

BETTY

And what does an interracial nihilist do?

PETER

A geospatial analyst assists with research, development, and implementation of geospatial systems…

(Betty yawns loudly)

PETER

I’m sorry, am I boring you?

BETTY

Horribly. I mean, “hardly.” Please go on.

PETER:

As I was saying, as a geospatial analyst, I collect geospatial data for various geospatial studies and geospatial programs.

(Betty cuts him off)

BETTY

Stop saying geospatial!

PETER

Your profile says you’re a tattoo artist. That must be interesting.

BETTY

That’s not the entire story. I’m a tattoo artist, but I work exclusively on pets.

PETER

On pets? You tattoo people’s pets?

BETTY

I get permission!

PETER

Whose permission? The owner’s or the pet’s?

BETTY

Yes.

PETER

Wait, I think I’ve heard of this. Don’t you tattoo serial numbers on the pets, in case they get lost? People can enter in the serial number online and contact the owner.

BETTY

Oh, I used to do that, but it got boring. Now it’s more about how the pets want to express themselves. Tramp stamps on cats, dog bowls with the word “Mom” on them. Today I did a seven-headed dragon on the back of a gerbil. He’s in the yakuza.

PETER

I have no idea if you’re kidding.

BETTY

I know.

PETER

Where is that waiter? I’m rethinking that drink. Can you get a half-virgin Shirley Temple?

BETTY

Yes, but your timing has to be exactly right.

PETER

Do the pets enjoy their tattoos?

BETTY

I’ve never gotten a complaint.

PETER

You know, I have a pet, and he’s been seriously considering a tattoo.

BETTY

A ferret, right?

PETER

That’s right! He’s a ferret. How did you know?

BETTY

Because you look like a ferret.

PETER

Is that a compliment?

BETTY

Does it sound like a compliment? So what kind of tattoo does your ferret want?

PETER

That’s just it, he can’t decide. You know how ferrets are. What would you recommend?

BETTY

Does your ferret have a job where he needs to look professional?

PETER

No, but he’d like to keep his options open.

BETTY

Then no face tattoos. That’s too bad, I was thinking some stars, some puzzle pieces. A tear drop, maybe.

PETER

That would be perfect. He has a few job interviews lined up, but I’ll talk to him. Maybe he’ll change his mind.

BETTY

So where did you grow up? And I use that term loosely.

PETER

Right here in town. There are so many members of my family buried at the local cemetery, we get a group rate.

BETTY

Do you save a lot of money that way?

PETER

Oh, the discount is quite large. People would die for it.

BETTY

Ok, that one was terrible.

PETER

I agree. Every death is a tragedy.

BETTY

The same applies to first dates.

PETER

How about you? Are you originally from here?

BETTY

No, my parents are Amish.

PETER

I kind of figured.

BETTY

Fine, they’re not really Amish. But they were very strict. We didn’t get along at all when I was growing up.

PETER

Wait a minute. If we’re going to start talking about our parents, let me get the waiter. I’m going to need a drink that is fully consummated.

BETTY

I have a confession to make.

PETER

Well, we have reached the traditional full-disclosure stage of the first date.

BETTY

I’m not really a pet tattooist.

PETER

No!

BETTY

It’s true. I am an artist, though. Classically trained. I do a little artwork on the side for a tattoo shop, but that’s it. I haven’t sold any of my paintings in at least a year. So I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to tattoo your ferret.

PETER

It’s for the best. He’s more into piercings, anyway.

BETTY

I should have listened to my parents and never gone to art school.

PETER

Don’t say that! I listened to my parents, and look at me. I really am a geospatial analyst.

BETTY

Who would lie about that?

PETER

My career is so boring, I need three cups of coffee just to read my job description.

BETTY

As a little boy, you didn’t dream of one day analyzing geospatials?

PETER

Of course not. I dreamed of being something adventurous. Romantic. Dare I say, even erotic?

BETTY

And what would that be?

PETER

Lunar cartographer. I wanted to map the surface of the moon.

BETTY

Of course you did.

PETER

I’m serious. I used to lie in bed, stare up at the moon through my window, and think, “As long as there have been poets, as long as there have been love songs, men and women have looked up at this same moon. What did they see there that inspired them? That shining disc spoke to them, awakening need and desire, driving them to passion and madness. If I could but unravel the secrets of that celestial goddess, I could unlock the key to the human heart itself.” Do you know what I mean?

(Betty stares through him, obviously smitten. Peter waves his hand in front of her face.)

PETER

Hello? Betty?

BETTY

You know, you’re pretty romantic for a guy who looks like a ferret.

PETER

Yeah, well, you’re pretty sexy for an Amish chick.

BETTY

How about we start the evening over?

PETER

You mean a do-over?

BETTY

That’s right. A do-over. A second chance to get everything right. Like Evil Dead 2.

PETER

How would that work?

BETTY

We forget everything that’s happened and start over from when you walked up.

PETER

You’ll wipe the slate clean?

BETTY

So clean.

PETER

Can we go back to where we are now if I change my mind?

BETTY

Nope. We shall pass this way but once. You can’t undo a do-over.

PETER

You can’t undo a do-over?

BETTY

It’s unheard of.

PETER

I don’t know. I was doing pretty well at the end there.

BETTY

Yeah. But early on you geospatial overanalyzed.

PETER

I only took that job to impress girls I met on the internet.

BETTY

Make a choice. This isn’t the Monty Hall Problem. Take the do-over.

PETER

All right. I’m gonna do it. Prepare to do-over. All systems check. We are go for launch.

BETTY

You’re not getting a countdown, Apollo 13. Just go.

(Peter stands up and greets her again)

PETER

Excuse me, are you Betty?

BETTY

Yes! Peter, right?

PETER

Guilty.

BETTY

Pull up a chair. Take a load off.

PETER

I have to say, you’re even prettier than your profile picture.

BETTY

Oh, aren’t you sweet. You aren’t entirely repugnant.

PETER

You know, that’s exactly what my prom date said to me right before they dumped the bucket of pig’s blood on her.

BETTY

Sounds like a magical night.

PETER

Oh, you have no idea.

BETTY

Did you dance to “I Want to Know What Love Is?”

PETER

“I Want to Know What Love Is?” By Foreigner? No, thank goodness. Who would want to dance to that crap?

BETTY

“I Want to Know What Love Is” is the most beautiful love song of all time. I had my first kiss while slow dancing to “I Want to Know What Love Is!”

PETER

Look, you misunderstood me. I’m sure I didn’t mean—

BETTY

My father used to sing “I Want to Know What Love Is” to me as a lullaby when I was a little girl!

PETER

Okay, that’s a little weird.

BETTY

My parents’ first dance at their wedding reception was—

PETER

Let me guess, “I Want to Know What Love Is.”

BETTY

No, it was “Feels Like the First Time.”

PETER

What a beautiful memory.

BETTY

But she walked down the aisle to “I Want to Know What Love Is,” and she was a beautiful bride. Are you saying my mother wasn’t a beautiful bride?

PETER

Where is that waiter?

BETTY

He’s dead. What is wrong with you! Who doesn’t like “I Want to Know What Love Is?”

PETER

If you had asked me ten minutes ago, I would have said everyone. Seriously, if that waiter doesn’t show up soon, we’ll have to start paying rent.

BETTY

At least we’ll have squatter’s rights.

PETER

Maybe we could get their attention if I started a fire.

BETTY

I dunno. You’re not exactly heating things up.

PETER

I thought you said I’d do better this time around.

BETTY

That was before you defiled the name of Foreigner, the greatest arena rock supergroup of all time.

PETER

I’m pretty sure that would be Cream.

BETTY

They’re a blues rock supergroup. I said the best arena rock supergroup.

PETER

That would be Journey.

BETTY

I need you to hold very still. Because I am going to use my salad fork to stab you in the throat.

PETER

What’s wrong with Journey? I lost my virginity to their Greatest Hits.

BETTY

Never mind. Move around all you want. I’ll never get that mental image out of my head, so I’ll just slit my wrists with this butter knife.

PETER

What’s wrong with Journey’s Greatest Hits?

BETTY

It’s a compilation album. The songs lose the context of the albums they were made for. Compilation albums are the ultimate sell-out. They’re for people who missed the party.  It’s like taking one chapter each from a dozen great books, jamming them all together, and saying you wrote a masterpiece.

PETER

Should it worry me that you’ve given this so much thought?

BETTY

It worries me that you haven’t.

PETER

What about movie soundtracks?

BETTY

Soundtracks are okay.

PETER

I’ve really made a mess of the do-over, haven’t I? I just had the worst second term since Nixon.

BETTY

The worst second season since Heroes.

PETER

The worst follow-up album since Meat Loaf’s Dead Ringer.

BETTY

Careful, you’re dating yourself.

PETER

Trust me, that’s easier than dating you.

BETTY

I’ve been called a lot of things, but I’ve never been called easy.

PETER

I want one more do-over.

BETTY

Another do-over? You’re lucky you got one. And you don’t even know if I was serious about my love for Foreigner.

PETER

I think I can get it right this time. Give me the do-do-over.

BETTY

We are not calling it that. But I’ll allow a double do-over. If you really think it will work.

PETER

I don’t see any other way out. The double do-over is my only hope.

BETTY

Fine, one more. But no triple do-overs. It sounds too much like a kinky sex act. This is only our second date, and I’m not that kind of girl.

PETER

I don’t think there’s a category for the kind of girl you are.

BETTY

This is it. Double or nothing. You reach the top of this mountain, or they’ll be dragging your frozen corpse back to base camp.

PETER

Stop it. You’re psyching me out.

BETTY

Admit it. You’re having a good time.

RALPH

You’re right. It might be up there with Journey’s Greatest Hits.

BETTY

You’d better trigger the double do-over before I reach for the silverware.

(Peter stands up and greets her again)

PETER

<exaggerated> Excuse me, are you Betty?

BETTY

<exaggerated> Yes! Peter, right?

PETER

<exaggerated> Guilty.

BETTY

Pull up a chair. Take a load off.

PETER

I have to say, you’re even prettier than your profile picture. And that’s saying something, because your profile picture is the most beautiful thing since Foreigner’s 1984 soft rock classic, “I Want to Know What Love Is.”

BETTY

I bet you say that to all the girls.

PETER

No, I can pretty much guarantee you’re the first.

BETTY

So do you eat here often?

PETER

It’s starting to feel that way. By this point, I’m pretty sure this is my regular table.

BETTY

I have to hand it to you, my dates don’t usually last this long. You’ve done a good job keeping up.

PETER

I’m pretty quick. My ferret gets out of his cage a lot, and I have to chase him down. Keeps me on my toes.

BETTY

You know, there is a perk to the double do-over.

PETER

Really? A perk to the double do-over? What’s that?

BETTY

This is technically our third date.

PETER

Third date. You mean…?

BETTY

Yes.

PETER

So you and me…?

BETTY

Oh, very much, yes.

PETER

And then we can…?

BETTY

You bet’cha.

PETER

Any chance for the triple do-over?

BETTY

Let’s see where the night takes us.

PETER

Check, please!

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